If you can’t calm down, you can expect consequences — You seem tense, as though you’re about to freak the hell out for no reason. It’s making me feel concerned for you and the rest of us, especially me. You need to either let yourself relax or relax under duress because if you don’t cool down immediately, it’s all going…

You’re free to fall apart — as long as you keep it together — “Having a midlife crisis is expensive.” — Gail Sheedy No gratitude practice or fish oil supplement can hold back the ravages of time. As you hit 40 or 50, you may lose enthusiasm for things you used to love — such as work, sex, or remaining alive. The good times…

Read it, live it, do it — The following article contains all the life advice you’ll ever need. When you finish reading it, you’ll be ready for anything life has to throw at you and you won’t have to read any more articles. Know yourself You have to spend a lot of time in your own company, so it’s…

True love is once in a lifetime — and that’s more than enough — Falling in love is an essential part of the human experience. It’s the emotional motherlode, a fireworks display of feelings in every color of a box of crayons bigger than the sky. It begins with a soaring sense of optimism and jaunty joie de vivre. It helps us learn who…

Turn off your mind, relax, and tap that ass — Americans are having less sex, which means we’re not having enough, which would be the maximum allowable amount of sex. No one knows precisely why. It’s attributed to a confluence of factors, including stress, apps, and the fact that we all hate each other and have maybe five years before…

To reveal the world, lighten up — “The ‘content’ of any medium is always another medium.” — Marshall McLuhan “Can anyone really claim to know what happened in the past, when the past itself doesn’t exist anymore?” — Philomena Cunk Earth is a planet 94.267 miles from the center of its solar system, recently defiled as a…

Own your unknowns — “Nobody knows anything.” — William Goldman The longer I live, the less sure I am of what I believe about life, the universe, or anything. I’m not religious, even when I’m having a panic attack, but I also find atheism too strong a commitment. The only thing I’m 99% sure…

I’ll always be better, and it's all for the best — Your hostility leaks like a gaseous emission. Cognitive dissonance, psychological projection, and envious self-talk make your eye twitch. The gallons of Haterade you consume seep out through your pores. It’s a bad look. You’re better than this, although that doesn’t mean you’re better than me. …

I hope it goes better for you — I married my drinking buddy. Then I had to stop drinking. It was inconvenient. Well, I didn’t have to stop drinking. I had a choice. I got fired and went on a two-week bender that ended when my pancreas exploded. A doctor told me that I could either stop drinking…